|
|
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
| |
11:28 pm
|
I'm torn...I mean, I should be happy because I'm going out with this great and wonderful guy and I love spending time with him, and I can't wait to see him again...it's just that I'm starting to feel the end of the term pressure.
I have my AP Bio final exams in a WEEK! And I've failed almost all of my tests, so they're no help. And over this vacation (which I totally forgot to do) I have to finish all my Ethics assignments that I didn't do in order to get a B- in Bio. Yes, I failed Ethics (literally, I got an F) in order to receive a B-. So my teacher was nice enough to give me an Inc/D if I did all the assignments. I just have no time.
I also have to see the Lizzie Borden house. Or I could do it on the 23rd when I don't have work. I think because of this week, I'll do it then. My Myth final project is on her. I'm excited. So maybe I can turn in/do my paper the weekend after Bio finals...My goal at this point is to not freak out and have a panic attack.
Tomorrow, I'm having a LONG study session with Rob and Viorika about all we did for Bio. I also have to talk to Bri about our ESP project, and the plant lab. Must remember to do that!!!
On Friday I have archery, so I could spend the entire day then doing my homework for bio and ethics...
Sat and Sun I'm working, so maybe I can bring in something to read for that one and take notes for the answers and type it up when I get back. It's going to take forever to do everything that I owe. Plus I have to research phototrophism. I hope that isn't too hard. I can do that Sun evening...
I'm just gonna go to sleep and hope for the best tomorrow, maybe after I wake up I'll look over what we did in the earlier year...
I need help...or better management skills...
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Sunday, February 12th, 2006
| |
12:52 pm
|
|
Someone tell me the reasons why I shouldn't kill myself. I'm slowly forgetting why I didn't.
|
|
=-'2 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Sunday, December 4th, 2005
| |
12:50 pm - A tip for y'all
|
So, if and when everyone decided to get their prom dress go to the American Cancer Society Discovery Store. Everything is cheap and the dresses are beautiful. Some of them I didn't have the chest to fill. And every purchase goes to the Cancer Society. I really like that store. I bought two dresses in preparation so now all I need are accessories. Go me! But really, it's so much fun, and it's in Newtonville next to CVS. Go check it out.
And if you donate clothes, you get a tax refund...cut...type thing. I don't pay taxes yet so I'm not sure. But check it out. It has dresses, shirts, pants, and accessories. It's a great holiday gift store too!
Anwyays, I have lots to do for homework. And it's snowing!!!
|
|
=-'1 cut Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Friday, November 18th, 2005
| |
5:03 pm - Meow
|
I'm waiting for someone to pick me up so we can go see HP 4. I'm going with the vb girls, yay. Anyways, I only have AP Bio and we have a reading quest on Mon so I am studying all day for that. Mr. Snow probably thinks I'm a complete idiot since I haven't gotten a decent grade since...the first three weeks of school. Great!
I also have...ethics homework, but it won't take that long. We only need a paragraoh responce to a section in Rachels. Which is pretty simple. Anyways!
*Continues waiting*
Love,
Chris
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
| |
5:54 pm - Mini-Break
|
Okay, I LOVE that my volleyball season is over!!! I get to do my AP Bio homework (which takes me the LONGEST time to do) in the afternoon, instead of at 9 at night and hopefully go to bed around 11. This is good. Even though we only have to read six pages I want to make sure I know what we're doing really well. I need to get a better grade than my first term, which sucks since that is what colleges are gonna see. Dammit! It's all volleyball's fault. We're having dinner soon, so I'll get an even longer break. How good am I at timing these things? No, actually my eyes were starting to hurt. And my neck, because I'm craning down to write down notes for Bio. Anyways!
I still have English and Spanish. It seems I didn't turn in a paper for spanish class when I thought I did. So I'm losing my mind, my teacher is gonna give me an incomplete. I have to find it! Or re-do it. Dammit. So screwed for first term.
Oh and in AP Bio it seems I forgot to do a formal lab paper and we're getting our grades Fri so I'm so screwed in that class.
English I'm not so worried about, I just need to write my one page paper, I'm just not sure on what yet.
I have to write my damn college essay. I have the topic I just can't put it into words...when I describe what I want to write to people it sounds great. The words that I'm saying just aren't going to the paper. Any ideas on how to work it out?
Love,
Chris
current mood:  drained
|
|
=-'2 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Thursday, October 13th, 2005
| |
11:18 pm - I'm a fucking idiot
|
Quite literally, it's true. I'm not academically smart at all, I feel so stupid to think I could do anything! We have AP Bio homework and I can't fucking keep up with the load, it takes me two hours to read one chapter and then I have to go back to make sure I understand what the fuck I just read. We had to answer 18 questions for the pre-lab that we're doing and I could only answer 2.
What is a catalyst?
Write down your assigned variable.
That's it. I can't answer any other question. I was so excited to be in the class because I thought it would help me when I become a Medical Tech. But I'm not smart, I don't even know why I hang out with you people. You all scored so much higher than me on our SAT's. I'm so stupid I get to take ACT's and they're supposed to be easier. I can bet you right now that for our AP final exam I'm only going to get one part right. Name:
That's it. I scored so low on the SAT's it's not a laughing matter. I can't even believe it myself. How can I be so stupid?!?!?! We're still in high school and I'm losing my mind. I can't do this anymore. Shit, I'm gonna start crying soon, that'll be great.
And we have Jeff's fucking mother staying over for a goddamn week! Why can't his family realize we don't like them, that we think they're obnoxious and should die? I hate this right now. And I know the reason I'm ranting is because I'm off my meds. Yep, I've been on meds for the past year to control my depression ever since I wanted to commit suicide and Annie told my mother. And we're doing a controlled experiment to see if I'm truly depressed or if it was a phase. I can't do this anymore!
This year is the first year I'm in any AP class, or anything higher than Curr. I. It's because I'm stupid, I should give up now and die. Or just screw life and forget about everything. Take up drugs, alcohol, and maybe I'll OD and die. What a pleasant thought. And my couselors moved to South so I can't talk to her, and I hate my new one.
I'm not sure, but it's only been a month of school and I can't handle the fucking stress of one class. I should have signed out when I had the chance. It's becoming so hard...school...colleges...volleyball. I don't have enough time. I get home at six (if I'm lucky) take a shower, eat (minimal)dinner, while doing all my homework and staying up till past midnight. It's too much for me to handle. And I can't pick a fucking topic for my essay! I'm not gonna get into college, I'm gonna be a bagger at Star or Shaw's when I grow up...and it's too much to handle. I'm not physically nor emotionally capable to handle all of this. I just...can't do this.
Should I admit that I'm mentally unstable and go back on my meds? Should I just save God the trouble and kill myself early? That would be great.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not smart enough to even help myself. The only thing I'm good at is throwing myself to the gym floor so a ball doesn't hit it instead. That's it. Nothing more.
Why am I starting to cry about all this? It's only one class I'm failing in. But I'm fucking FAILING! and no matter how hard I try I can't do it. I don't want to call Jake because he always sounds like he wants to hang up as soon as possible, and I don't want to call Brianna because...I don't know. But she's really smart and I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of our friendship by having her help me.
I'm sitting here, listening to Linkin Park songs, and just getting more and more depressed. I...don't know anymore. It's too hard for me to handle.
And the worst part is...I don't know if I should tell my mom that I need to start seeing my therapist again...but she doesn't help, all she does it sit there and listen to me ramble. Aren't they supposed to give advise and crap? I don't know anymore.
Help...
current mood:  stressed
current music: Linkin Park
|
|
=-'3 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Monday, September 19th, 2005
| |
10:50 pm - OMG!
|
So our team spirit tomorrow we have to dress up as an occupation. SO I chose to do a catholic schoolgirl, and my occupation is a stripper! How original am I?!?!?! I just need Kit to remember to bring the dress for tomorrow. Maybe calling her would suggest I have no trust that she will bring it and not let me down. Because she IS my friend and will help me out when I need her.
Nothing much is going on...I like all my classes. And I got a call from my favoritest person (since I was little I thought he was) to wish me happy birthday but I'm making him call me again when it's my real birthday as well. HAHA!
I'm getting kinda tired so I'll head off to bed pretty soon anyways. Nighty night.
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Sunday, August 28th, 2005
| |
10:26 pm - I thought this was funny
|
|
| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
| |
11:05 pm - Yay!!!
|
I got my senior pictures today and DAMN! I look like a girl. Amazing...I never knew that could happen. I really like most of my pics so hopefully Mom can scan them in and I can post them here, see which one everyone likes. I even wore make-up for it. Meng was there, she saw me...looked very suprised to see me dressed up like that.
Work is going well...I have a really dark tan but that's because I stay in the sun too much anyway. I'm learning how to do a tuck dive from a fellow guard yet it's not going so well. Only by sheer determination am I continuing to learn how. He's able to do it so well, I'm jealous. He also does ball room dancing. I've always wanted to learn but never asked my mom because we were always strapped for money. Now I regret it a bit...
My trip toTexas...was interesting. We placed 24th (yay us) out of 24...but it was fun. Anyways, I was made to wear a mini-skirt while I was there when we went out to eat...lots of people stared...I was so embarrassed. I probably spelled that wrong...anyways...it was fun.
Can't think of anything else to write...I'm just really excited about my pictures!!!!
|
|
=-'1 cut Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Sunday, July 17th, 2005
| |
11:55 pm - Lots o' things...warning: scattered thoughts
|
Alrighty then...my mood shall reflect this entry so I should tell you about it now. I'm kind o in the middle of suicidal and furious.
Suicidal because my mother is fucking yelling at me for not going to bed and that I'm still awake but she just doesn't fucking understand. I'm off my anti-depressants (I've been taking those for about a year now since the day that I wanted to kill myself) to see if I need them anymore or not. Well...right now I'm questioning my sanity why I didn't fucking die then?!?!?! It would save my mother a whole lot of trouble right now (her words not mine).
Since I'm off the meds I have a really hard time sleeping I don't know why. I read until I fall asleep, since I haven't found an easier method. I just can't seem to fall asleep anymore, it takes a while.
Ever get the feeling something went wrong when you were born? Like you don't belong? Well, my volleyball career is in jeapordy because I have a temper and it shows. It's part of my fucking personality and I can't help if it shows. I don't have any control over my emotions. It's not fair! My mother makes me feel like an incompetant child and that I shouldn't have been born. I'm so different that anyone in this family. I wonder if I made a mistake not killing myself. It would save everyone a lot of trouble. I know people would object and say that they would care and miss me but they'll move on. They're young, get over it.
So I'm officially a "screw-up" to my mother. I can't seem to do anything right and nothing is good enough. It's like my brother is the better of us two. I don't understand anything anymore. I just want everything to go away.
I'm scared of what's happening...the feeling of everything coming down on me is happening again...the pain I felt before is resurfacing...just like before and I can't stop it. I don't know what to do...why is this happeneing now? It seems all my strongest emotions are tied to my arguements with my mother. I want the pain to end...I can't do this anymore...I feel like I'm falling and I won't stop.
I'm leaving to go to TX for a week to play in a large volleyball tournament. We leave in the morning.
We went to the new ice cream store 'Coldstone' I think that's what triggered this. I didn't want to leave, I don't want to do anything with my family anymore. I just want to go away, I can't wait for college.
Even if I go to bed now I won't be falling asleep for a while, I just lie there trying to sleep, but nothing works. Counting sheep keeps my mind active...I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel weak for not killing myself, that I'm making everyone suffer for being alive...why did I question my actions that night...why couldn't I just kill myself then? It would have made things easier on everyone.
My family wouldn't have another mouth to feed, and they could save finacially since I wouldn't be doing anything anymore *insert lifeless laugh* and my mother wouldn't get so angry all the time...
Greg wouldn't have gone through the pain I put him in for eight months and then ending what we had...
You guys wouldn't have to deal with me whining about my own problems of how I hate my life when there are less fortunate people in the world. Besides...I give the crappiest birthday presents...I mean...I gave Monica insense for Christ sake. How much more pathetic could I be? Why wasn't I strong enough? I can't even find the goddamn motivation to run a fucking mile for varsity volleyball.
I think I'm losing my mind. I could have sworn I heard a co-worker say my name, but when I turned around she had no idea what I was talking about since she was in a conversation with a patron. I have no idea what that was all about but it was so weird. I don't know what to do about it. Some say hearing voices is the first sign to insanity.
I don't know what to do anymore...
|
|
=-'3 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Friday, May 27th, 2005
| |
7:35 am - Hiiii!
|
Okay, can't talk long. Here's what's going on:
Gonna be away for entire weekend, in Penn State for tourn. wish me gl.
We're gonna do crappy. Oh boy.
I love everyone lots.
TTYL,
Chris
|
|
=-'1 cut Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Saturday, May 14th, 2005
| |
11:32 pm - Whee!
|
So today, my mom took me to this archery place, cuz I'm thinking about taking up a second sport which I am totally excited about!!! Um...so we went to the range place and kinda watched everyone else, and I didn't know it was a class!!!! I thought it was free time shooting! Oops. Anyways, I got to talk with the manager and some of the people who were shooting, who were really nice. He made me shoot with the rest of the class and it was so weird! It seems I'm right hand dominant but I have better vision with my left eye. So he made me shoot lefty! It was so weird, Meghan how do you do so much with your left hand, it's creepy. It was soo much fun, I hit the targent at least once when we shot but he was doing a three arrow interval, very fun. Anyways, so mom signed me up for classes and I start next week. *bounces with joy* anyway, mom also bought me arrows (which was advice from the manager so I can get used to the way they fly). She got me the more expensive kind ($14 more) and I got to customize the color! It was exciting, and it seems that the light purple color was hot with the boys! The manager is very funny and nice, (and really old...) so I got two blue and a gray as colors for the feathers and white as the tip. I took so long to decide. *bashes forehead* I'm screwed for college. Anyway, thought I'd let everyone know what I did today. Cuz I shot LEFTY! so cool! and now it's time for me to go to bed and I gave up on caps a while ago. oh well. I'm gonna get to bed now. TTEL.
Lots of love,
Xtina
current mood:  high
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
| |
11:07 pm - I need sleep...
|
Okay so, OMG! I saw 'Bye Bye Birdie' and I wanna see it again! It was like...hilarious...though the voices were more high pitched than necessary. But it was sooo much fun! I loved it! Did you guys know that Matt Murphy could sing? He was the main male character and had so many elvis qualities, it was funny! I loved it!
You should all see it, very much recommended.
I have other homework I should do, so I'm going off.
Lots of love,
Xtina
current mood: drained
current music: The Hardest Thing - 98 degrees
|
|
=-'1 cut Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
| |
9:37 pm - I'm finally caught up!
|
Hello one and all,
I've finally completed all the homework from this week and the one prior. However, I'm spent many a night this week trying to catch up with the homework because of volleyball. So, in light of this, I will be retiring to my bed within the hour.
This month has been very stressful for me because of the numerous projects, and the little time I seem to have to do them all. *sighs* So much to do, and so little time to do it in.
Liz also asked me to help her out with the boys volleyball team. I'm not sure I'm going to go, because of Richard (my coach) and the fact that I don't like him at all. However, having the varsity boys hit at me, seems a wonderful idea, especially since one of the better players is out to get me on the court.
The week has been tiring, and hopefully I'll relax a little since I'm going driving on Sat. I get to legally run over pedestrians!! Wheeee!
I'm not sure what else to write...or why I began using this again. But that's okay, it gives me time to mull over what's been going on in my life.
I'm falling asleep at my computer so I'm going to get going.
Lots of love,
Xtina
current mood:  groggy
current music: Yesterday Once More - The Carpenters
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Monday, March 14th, 2005
| |
11:18 pm - Sleep!
|
A lot has been going on since my last update on my birthday. All of which I don't want to get into. Instead I'll give a synopsis of my activities of the month. My club team for volleyball is starting to have tournaments every weekend and is leaving me with little or no time to do my homework. For the past two weeks, I've slowly fallen behind in my english class, and we have a nineteen chapters test tomorrow. I'll probably reduce myself and read the spark notes tonight so I can get a better understand of the book, which is really boring.
I've also been more tired than usual lately. I accidentally feel asleep on my computer when I got home and was a half hour late to Chemistry. Thankfully he's cool enough to let it slide, since I am one of the better students. However, I'm not sure, for the courses next year, if I should take AP Bio or AP Chem. Both would suit my field of study in college, I'm just not sure which one would be more beneficial to me in the future.
I also had my iPod stolen from my jacket today. I accidentally left it in the gym for 15 minutes because I forgot and it wasn't there. For a full account see Kitty. So my $200+ purchase is gone and I have no way of getting it back because people rarely return what they steal. I feel absolutely stupid about this. My mother was /trying/ to sympathize with me, saying that she felt bad I lost it because it's one of the few things I actually ask for/ want. I should have listened to her and just invested it for college. But nope, I had to have it so I wouldn't be bored in school. I'm such an idiot. I hate this.
I saw my therapist today and vented all this out to her. She also feels bad.
I'm feeling over-whelmed this month because I have lots to do that's due this week and next. So I apologize if I'm mean or bitchy in the morning, it's from lack of sleep this week. I don't understand why it's taking me so long to do everything. I just have little time to complete everything and small time-consuming tasks that have to be done before anything else.
I've talked to Ms. Santos about some colleges that fit the criteria I woudl like for the new school I will attend. She gave me various ones, and some look promising.
Because of my homework. In the few hours before midnight, I begin to have trouble seeing some things, like the screen or the book clearly.
I'm not sure what else I could include...
I'm just going to be having a bad week and it won't be pretty.
I have to finish the English thing, which is the whole reason I'm still up.
Lots of love,
Xtina
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
| |
7:14 pm - Happy Birthday to me!
|
So I came home from practice, and sang happy birthday to myself, because no one was home. I got a card from Brianna and lots of hugs from people I know, thankfully. Um...I woke up early and called Greg up so he was the first person to tell me happy birthday. I plan on having a party after my season (in November or December). Just to let you all know.
Yea, besides everyone telling me happy birthday and getting lots of hugs and a card from Bri...my birthday sucked. Yup, being 16 is no different from being 15 besides the singing. And I hate this. Someone set up a fucking therapy appointment. I need to kill something.
For Halloween, Yilun and I might go trick-or-treating. This will be my last year going because I don't think I wanna be 17 and going. We dunno what we're gonna dress up as.
Yea, and besides the fact that no one was home when I arrived, I'm going to starve on my birthday. On my death certificate it will say I died of starvation on my birthday. Woohoo to me.
So all in all, my birthday sucks. And I know I'm whining, but I don't give a crap. This is my fucking birthday.
Happy fucking birthday to me.
current mood:  pissed off
|
|
=-'2 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
| |
10:37 am
|
|
| |
10:06 am - My summer update...
|
Through out the summer I've been very busy, which some of you noticed due to my lack of being online. I've taken a 6-week history course, and passed. So now my fellow juniors have to write a 10-20 page paper, where as I only had to do a 5-10 page one. I mock you people!
While going to "school" from 8am-12pm, I also had work which was from 1-8 almost everyday, except on my days off. Over the summer I worked as a lifeguard and will hopefully be returning next year.
Now for a more recent update:
On Labour Day Weekend, Yilun and I had a very long sleepover party. Because she slept at my house on Fri, Sat, and Sun, and I slept over at her house Mon evening. So we spent a lot of time together this weekend.
I went to Chinatown and saw Greg play in 9-man volleyball. He did extremely well. At one game he had four blockers and yet still managed to get several kills. So by the end of the second game they gave up trying to block my boi.
On Saturday, Yilun and I went to Greg's team dinner, because his parents were giving us a ride home so we had to stay anyways. I was feeling tired so toward the end of the meal I slept on Greg. I had a lot of fun at the dinner, with the exception of walking into a large metal...thing. Where I got a swelling bruise which finally went down this morning. Another exception is that the Knights Team A coach was drunk and called our relationship "Greg's first conquest". By that time I was going to tell him to "go to hell" but I didn't think that was too appropriate.
On Sunday, Yilun had to go to her drivers ed. course (which she also had yesterday morning) leaving me to fend for myself until around noon. I had a lot of fun watching such a fast and exciting sport that only men are allowed to play. Which I'm glad for because I wouldn't want to play that. In the evening Greg had a banquet to go to so I went with Yilun to her dance class. Which was scary beyond all reason. Though it was fun.
On Monday Yilun and I woke up and watched Hero (which my baby lent to me to watch. We both agree that the scenery was beautiful but she thinks the plot is too confusing. I liked the movie in general. Then we hung out at her house watching a marathon of Law and Order. Sadly my boi didn't have the car to come and see us (since he's the only one who can legally drive) I would have drove, but no one would lend me the car. So we made dumplings and it was very good.
Another good thing to the weekend was that Yilun and I were introduced to chinese bubblegum by my honey. *love you lots* It's made by Marukawa. I like these a lot. We should make a special trip out to Chinatown to buy them.
Thanks honey for letting me see you play, I had lots of fun.
Last week was the start of pre-season. The requirements to make varsity are to be able to run a mile in 7:40 min., sprint 4x 200m. each in 45 seconds, with 90 seconds rest. 50 pushups and situps in 2 min. Which I passed with flying colors. Except the mile, I haven't been able to run it consistantly.
On my volleyball team I made varsity. In case you were wondering.
I think that's everything...
LoVe My BaBy LoTs,
Christina ^^
|
|
=-'3 cuts Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Thursday, July 15th, 2004
| |
2:45 pm - I haven't done this in a while...
|
So I'm going to summer school for hist. My junior thesis is now only 5-10 pages long, while ppl who have 5 months to do it have to write 10-20 pages. Whoot! Alright. I also have a job. It's at Gath Memorial Pool, y'all should come and visit me. Either that or find some small child to take and we could do it that way. Um...I'm not sure what else there is to say...
Oh yea, I'm screwed for volleyball next year. I have to run a mile in under 7:40 min, and I can't even run one lap. I'm prolly gonna end up watching the games and commenting how pathedic our team is this year, since Richard cut me. The bastard, I hate him with a passion.
Oh yea, I get to see my honey on Sat. ^.^ *hugs* alright people. THat's my update, be happy.
OH YEA!!!!!!!! I got really bored yesterday so I started researching some colleges. My mommy wants me to find at least 10 colleges I want to go to so we can make unofficial visits to the campus and such. I hope I get a scholarship for volleyball. But I doubt it, since I'm okay. And yes, I know my own skill level. The people who say I'm really good and that crap need to get out more, and that will show you how good I'm NOT.
Lots of love,
Christina ^.^
|
|
=-'1 cut Watch me bleed'-=
|
| Thursday, June 24th, 2004
| |
10:48 pm - so my honey wants me to update
|
I'm leaving for Reno tomorrow really early in the morning. And I'll be back on July 3rd. I'm gonna miss everyone so much. I'll bring back small gifts for everyone when I get back. I'm gonna be going away for a really big volleyball tournament. You people must wish me luck. I'm gonna be playing with 6' women, and I'm gonna be really short, but I'm gonna kick some tall people's asses. *evil laugh* I don't wanna go anymore, I don't wanna leave. I hate packing and crap.
I really don't know what to say anymore. I'll talk to you all later.
Lots of love,
Christina ^^
Love you lots honey!
|
|
=-'Watch me bleed'-=
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
jaded_dragoness's journal